One of the most delightful sights we might see as we walk through a park is that of a dog joyfully shaking itself off after a swim in the pond. Or a puddle. The gyrating tail threatens to lift its owner right off the ground. The ears are awry, the face a picture of delight.
And, having sent a fountain of H2O into the sunshine, this dog knows exactly what It is going to do next: chase that haughty poodle that just minced by.
Do you remember that conversation with your neighbour last Sunday – the one you had when you went over to borrow a plunger and stayed for a cup of coffee?
“What’s bothering you – apart from the blocked shower pipe?” your neighbour asked.
You didn’t waste this opportunity to talk – and you told him! You had been seething since that encounter with your work colleague on Friday and now the story all came out.
By the time you left, you knew exactly what it was about your colleague’s behaviour on Friday that had left you feeling that he had crossed a line. And you knew exactly how you were going to deal with it. You bounded back home with a doggy kind of look on your face and your tail gyrating. And a plunger in your grip.
Your neighbour had hardly said a word. And yet he had set your inner dog free. How had he done it?
The chances are that he had simply listened to you. Really listened. Mindfully listened.
Think about it:
- He quickly intuited that you had a ‘story’ to tell.
- He made himself available to listen to that story.
- He prompted you to tell the story.
- He gave you his full attention while you told it.
- He didn’t fidget or get distracted while you talked.
- He didn’t stare you down but he did look you in the eye from time to time.
- He didn’t interrupt.
- He didn’t offer opinions or judgments.
- He didn’t try to change the subject or to shift attention from you to him. If he said anything at all, it was to ask questions that prompted you to explore the story you were telling him.
- He didn’t jump in suggesting solutions.
- He enabled you to access your own store of wisdom.
- And, in the long run, he enabled you not only to understand exactly what it was that had been bothering you, but also to come up with your own solution to that problem.
Effective listening is one of the most powerful tools in the problem-solving toolbox. Being listened to is often (though not always) all that one needs in order to become clearer about what the problem is and to design a solution for it.
And now I have a challenge for you: To add ‘expertise in listening’ to your arsenal of skills.
Listening doesn’t always have to happen over a cup of coffee, where you can look each other in the eye. It could happen while you’re out running with your brother. Or painting the garden fence with your house-mate. Or talking on the phone with a friend. In such situations, you may not be able to offer direct eye-contact, but you can certainly call most of your neighbour’s listening strategies into action.
So I challenge you to release your daughter’s inner dog next time you’re walking her to school and she tells you that she doesn’t like her art teacher.
I also challenge you to seek out those people who you know to be good listeners – not necessarily for the purpose of having your own inner dog liberated, but simply for the pleasure of their company. The company of people like your neighbour is invigorating and will do more for you than that of your energy-sapping brother-in-law who won’t let you finish even your first sentence before he’s gone off on a monologue about Brexit.
If you are not fortunate enough to have a neighbour (or family member, friend, or colleague) as amenable to listening as the one described here, but feel it would be helpful to be ‘listened to’, please read about my approach to counselling, mentoring and life-coaching, and then message me. Often, being listened to is the start of a new and liberating way of being in the world.
